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An Open Letter to His Holiness Bishop Juan de Dios Pueblos July 13, 2011

Posted by quiapo in badtrip na naman si pierre, Gripes / Flames / Rants.
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Dear Bishop Your Holiness Sir,

I write to you regarding your birthday announcement (?) letter to the ex-president GMA that was recently made public. I must congratulate you for such a finely written (and now, based on the latest expose’, also very effective) piece. That was one of the finest examples of a subtle “quasi-proposal” that I read. That was just sheer GENIUS of you. I really dig the “I hope you will never fail to give a brand new car which would serve as your birthday gift to me” part which is constructed so expertly as to almost demand for a brand new car in exchange for your support, but wrap this demand in the cuddliness and innocence of a 5th grade unmolested altar boy.

Why, if I was in the 5th grade and I read that letter of yours, my brains would’ve melted just trying to apply my knowledge of my “Language” subject and the four basic types of speech. It would have been hard for my still developing brain to classify if that was informative or persuasive. At the surface, it is informative because you did say that it is your birthday and that you won’t be having a party and that you are the PEACE CHAMPION OF CARAGA and you have a broken down 7 year old car and you want a new 4×4 to replace it.

However, the piece becomes pretty persuasive because of the closing line: “Be assured of my constant support and sincerest prayers to your Excellency.” Boy was THAT LINE persuasive! Heck, it doesn’t even need the whole sentence; just the phrase “Be assured of my constant support” was more than enough. That one line scored you a Mitsubishi Montero Sport 4×4 SUV, W-O-R-D!

As an avid fan of the Mitsubishi brand, let me clarify that a Mitsubishi Montero Sport is not just a car, it’s not just a 4×4 and you don’t just buy it to reach far flung areas in Caraga. It’s a freaking status symbol worth 1.7 Million pesos for Christ’s sakes! (yes I just had to use that now). If you really just needed a utility vehicle that you could use to climb up dirt roads, you could’ve opted for an Isuzu D-Max, Ford Ranger, Mitsubishi Strada, Toyota Hilux  or Nissan Navara for roughly a Million. Hell you could even have a kumportable but still relatively mura Toyota Fortuner for around 1.4M! The excess money could have been used to feed and heal the poor people that you visit in the far flung areas in Caraga. After all, the reason why you go to far flung areas in Caraga is to help the needy isn’t it? Not to check on any recently acquired neo-friar lands?

With this, you must agree with me that your credibility right now isn’t even worth the paper that last Sunday’s misalette was printed on, but it probably was worth about 1.7M (plus delivery charge to Butuan?) during the time of GMA. Now… what should you do? I for one “try” to go to church on Sundays, but if I saw you on the pulpit I swear to the high heavens I would leave the mass. Why? Because you have no credibility left to teach the Good News.

And please don’t give me that “forgive us for Christ forgives” and the “we are all sinners” crap. One, while I try my best to be a good person, I’m not Christ. Also, while everyone sins, not everyone has a 4×4 Mitsubishi Montero sport to show because of it. I’m not bitter about that though… that vehicle’s a heck of a gas gussler.

Now, I did not write this letter to bash you, in fact, I write this letter to persuade you to change careers. PLEASE RESIGN FROM THE PRIESTHOOD, you don’t belong there. Instead of being a bishop, why don’t you try teaching persuasive letter writing? With your proven skills in subtle persuasion, you’ll be very much in demand! You may not be credible to teach the Good News, but you’ll be more than credible in teaching subtle ways to milk the government. Imagine the potential high profile clients that you’ll have! You’ll be very much in demand to congressmen and senators that are seeking pork barrel, Military top brass with plea bargain needs, contractors and gov’t officials that want to bypass the bidding process, and even in your own backyard, your fellow bishops like you that want SUVs! You’ll be able to replace that Montero Sport in no time!

Even I want to avail of your services. After all, unlike you, I’m closely identified with the new president. The president owes me big time because I “liked” his facebook fan page, shared his fan page to all my friends, and defended him from all the bashers and trolls in fb, Spot.ph, and Yahoo! Philippines – do you realize how many bashers and trolls there are in the local interwebs?

Pardon me if I’m a little gaya-gaya, but my birthday is fast approaching and I want to emulate your approach with the former president…. Yep I’m gonna send PNoy a letter just like you did!  I’d like you to review this draft for a similar birthday letter of mine to PNoy.

Dear Mr. President,

I will be celebrating my 30th birthday on Sept 19. I know this will be a precious day and timely occasion to thank the Lord for giving me another year … After a prayerful discernment and due considerations and spending too much time on Facebook, Google+(yey!), motherless, jorpetz.com, and Inquirer.net, I have decided not to hold a birthday party. Instead, I prefer to make use of my birthday as a day with and for myself, and with Johnny Walker and Chivas Regal – you can tag along with me provided you let me drive that Porsche of yours or give me Shalani’s digits (your choice).

Having clicked the like button and shared your Facebook page to my facebook friends, I am grateful to be an instrument and contributor to the increase in your online popularity, especially in Facebook (sucks that SWS surveys say that it’s dipping though – I believe a much truer figure is the number of likes on your fan page). I know I can do more to promote your fan page, and also sell more yellow polo-shirts with the map of the Philippines embroidered on the chest.

It is in this view that I am asking a favor from your Excellency. At present, I really need a brand-new car, possibly a 4 x 4, which I can use to reach the far-flung and sometimes flooded areas of Cainta. I hope you will never fail to give a brand new car which would serve as your birthday gift to me. For your information, I have with me a 17-year-old car which is not anymore in good running condition (what with all that Ondoy shit). Therefore, this needs to be replaced very soon.

I am anticipating your favorable response on this regard. Thank you very much. Be assured of my constant support and sincerest prayers to your Excellency.

p.s. If you have a little more budget, a really want a yellow Chevy Camaro, It’s not as pricey as your Porsche but due to the Transformers movies, that’s equivalent to +1.7Million pogi points. And also, I really really like Bumblebee. =)

I’m willing to pay you to edit this letter of mine, provided payment will be due after I receive my requested yellow Camaro.

In closing, I beseech you to please don’t excommunicate me because of this letter. My grandma, mom, and my girlfriend will get pretty mad at me if you do.

Yours in digging SUVs and Mitsubishi vehicles,